If Republican Presidential Hopefuls Were Foreign Countries...

So I received enough notices of readership (four) on my prior entry comparing basketball coaches to poets, that I thought I should let this concept ride while I'm still hot. Also, I'm already uncomfortable with the size of my readership so I figure I would go ahead and alienate you all by writing about politics, peripherally of course. This is more irreverent than anything.

But seriously, if you know me politically, you know that I'm a Democrat who up until March 2008 still considered voting for McCain ("because I wanted to keep an open mind") and someone who is generally more fascinated by the "leaders" of the Republican Party than those of the Democrats. I think a lot of this fascination comes about because so much of the Republican rhetoric and policy to come out recently is so extreme (at least to my sensibilities), that I just can't help but get a deer in the headlights look and read/digest as much information as I can about them to figure out what makes the 2011 Republican Party tick. Therefore, in 2011 and 2012 I will probably follow the Republican primaries more closely than any other domestic political event, and that's saying something.

So without further ado, I present to you my newest entry comparing Republican presidential hopefuls to foreign countries. And no, my Republican friends, the comparison of these individuals to countries is not meant as an attack on their patriotism or place of birth. I will continue to leave that futile battle to you with Barrack Hussein Obama.


Tim Pawlenty: The sheer difficulty of trying to find something to say about Gov. Pawlenty of Minnesota evokes Belgium, a nice place that has given us... well, chocolate, beer, moules et frites, and the first tri-color flag in Europe (bow down, France!). Quietly however, Belgium has also seen increased internal strife due to the Flemish-Wallonian rivalry, resulting in the lamest sectarian strife outside of the Quad Cities in Iowa. The secret hatred between Flanders and Wallonia also mirrors the bizarre Minnesota versus Wisconsin rivalry, which only seems to rear its ugly head during the NFL season when the Packers play the Vikings. Lastly, despite Belgium's small size, her prime location in the heart of Western Europe has made Brussells a popular site for international commerce and treaties. In much the same way, Pawlenty's hometown of Minneapolis was a featured part of the 2008 GOP Presidential Convention, one of the watershed moments in Republican history this century thanks to the introduction of Sarah Palin on a national stage.





Mitch Daniels: Perhaps the most obscure nation in the Middle East, Oman is relatively moderate, relatively turmoil-free, relatively prosperous, and relatively educated. Gov. Mitch Daniels of Indiana is moderately wealthy (for a Republican), tends to champion less-conservative positions than his peers, is in a less precarious position than neighbors Wisconsin (politically) and Michigan (economically), and spent his education at Princeton on marijuana and acid in the 1970’s, so he probably got something out of it academically relative to his peers, but not as much as he could have. Like Oman, we know that there are obvious drawbacks with Daniels, well, all of us who know about Daniels to begin with. Like Oman, Daniels relies heavily on one asset (oil, delivering a battleground swing state), and it is the presence of that asset that keeps Oman above the likes of embattled Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. This makes Walker Yemen.

The Tea Party: A vastly overrated source of presidential primary power, The Tea Party and all it stands for is the Russia of the Republican presidential primary. Russia has some obvious strengths -- oil, a semi-functioning millitary, patriotic bravado -- and so does the Tea Party, which campaigns relentlessly and no doubt was the primary factor that helped launch the Republicans into control of the House of Representatives. Of course, the Tea Party did so while being mediocre at everything else, just like Russia can bully anybody in its sphere, yet remains a hollow giant thanks to public corruption, growing economic disparity, a terrible health crisis, rampant alcoholism, declining population and all sorts of other related post-Communist problems. But like a Soviet tank rolling unchallenged through the Caucasus, the Tea Party (and its dedicated devotees) are not going to let anyone forget how powerful they are. The obvious corollary here is that the Libertarian Party is Georgia and the various splinter groups of the Tea Party form South Ossetia.



Nashi as a foil for the Tea Party? NOBAMA!! DON’T TREAD ON ME!













John Boehner: I'm not creative enough to avoid the joke about Boehner being Ireland, and you can all see and have probably heard of the conneciton there. However, there's more than the bottle of scotch, there's the subtlety of Boehner’s skill set: like Ireland, Boehner has some really useful qualities and credentials, it's a tragic element to his character that will likely prevent everything from coming together for a presidential push. And now, like the busted and broke Celtic Tiger, it looks like Boehner’s chance at greater prominence is gone.








The Paul Family: While so much was going wrong for everyone else from 2008-2010, Greenland actually turned in a hell of a run, thank you very much. Similarly, Rand and Ron Paul, previously unheralded and dismissed, emerged out of nowhere to steal the mantles of both the Libertarian Party and the Tea Party movement, and become LEGITIMATE presidential hopefuls by 2011. The complete meltdown of the economy was so horrible that the Pauls had to make a move, railing against all Governmental agencies, big business, big banking, taxes (we all realize that if Bear Stearns hadn’t gone under, none of this would have happened, right?) that unexpectedly produced the Paul Political Dynasty. Similarly, years of climate change has Greenland dreaming of riches beyond your wildest dreams, so much so that they voted to ease themselves from Denmark politically. If the Paul’s are Greenland, than that probably makes Marco Rubio... Svalbard? Ellesmere Island?





John Thune: Indonesia is always a country you hear about as a rising power, although something untold always prevents this from happening. Did you know Indonesia is already the fourth most populous nation in the world? They even have a relatively non-insane political situation. Tons of potential, with a lot already in place... sounds like John Thune, the semi-sleeping giant of the presidential hopefuls. The only possible problem here is a) I don't really know much about Indonesia and b) I'm not sure they're anti-Obamacare enough. Obviously, a Thune-USA connection works, only Thune hasn't really done enough or been around enough.




Jeb Bush: Somewhere between underrated and not quite good enough, depending on the category, lies Portugal, the little brother of the Iberian Pennisula (so I guess George W. Bush is Spain). Portugal, like Jeb’s state of Florida, has great weather, some fantastic scenery and is usually cheap in terms of costs of living. Like Florida, Portugal is also for all intents and purposes bankrupt. There is also credit to be had for keeping the Portugese language distinct enough from Spanish so that everyone's sufficiently annoyed and a ton of historical cache for pushing Europe out past the Azores and south of Morocco. (Well, at least from a European perspective.) All else being equal, Portugal's supposedly 90% as lovely, romantic and historic as France, Italy or Spain, and really only the English know it. That's our Jeb Bush, something of a historic Bush at this point, as rumors of his presidential candidacy date back to the 1990’s. For a supposed best of the Bush brothers, Jeb’s shown real versitility and political savvy. Of course, Bush, like Portugal, has his fatal flaw, which is his inability to (probably) overcome the legacy of his idiot brother George, just like Portugal, which after years of semi-dictatorships, is always just a little too poor, a little too un-developed to surpass Spain. But just as Portugal will always have the sixteenth century when it policed the seas with Spain, Jeb will always have his role in the recount of 2000.



Don't laugh, brother Marvin Bush is Andorra.














Sarah Palin: Palin is loud, overly confident, and unreliable. She’s also expensive, having blown tens of thousands of dollars on wardrobes during the McCain campaign and costing millions for speaking engagements. This sounds like Italy, a beautiful, vibrant, and unique country that also happens to be completely insane. Sarah Palin has gone from high school beauty queen to the small-town mayor of town with population 6,000, to the Governor of Alaska, to vice-presidential candidate, to Governor of Alaska again, to resigning as Governor of Alaska, to Tea Party darling, to Oprah of the Right..well..this is exahausting. Italy has had over sixty governments since World War II. Palin has sometimes had a volatile relationship with Republican party brass, Italy managed to fight for both sides in World War I (and World War II, to a lesser degree after 1943) and was widely blamed by Germany (Mitt Romney and the business-oriented Republicans, we will get to them) for a myriad of Axis defeats in World War II (foil: McCain's loss in 2008). Like a stunning Italian couple sharing a delicious meal with an beautiful sunset as the backdrop, about once a week Sarah Palin will say something in the press that makes her seem attractive to Republicans. She isn't.






Newt Gingrich: Maybe it's the silly nickname -- dude's legal name is Newton Leroy Gingrich -- maybe it's the affairs, maybe it's the fact that he can’t help but insert himself into any argument, but whatever it is Newt seems like a guy who treats life and politics like a good time. At the center of Europe, lies the Czech Republic, which has given the world Prague, which has become the nightlife/partying/all things "adult" capital of Europe. We're living in the days of the Wild East, people. The Czech Republic amicably dissolved with Slovakia, ending the forty year run of "Czechoslovakia" in 1993, stunning everyone with its simplicity (who knew the names fit together like that?) and the fact that a genocidal civil war didn't have to erupt to do so. In much the same way, Newt quietly announced his “exploratory” campaign for the presidency last year, and the move wasn't the last step in a two-month scorched earth campaign about what a horrible legislator, husband, and face of the Republican Party Gingrich was in the 1990’s. Many people also considered that an impossibility.






Mitt Romney: Reliable, steady, rational, and lacking in any flash (has the man ever tried a different hair cut?), Romney is the Germany of the hopefuls. He's blander than Newt (Czech Republic), better than Pawlenty (Belgium) and Jeb (Portugal) and less powerful than the Tea Party (Russia) thanks to his passing of a state healthcare plan in Massachusetts that mirrors the Democratic reform bill. Sure, just like Germany might be viewed as a little too cold, a little too Rammstein-like, a little too expensive, we might quibble with some of the things that Romney does not have as a candidate: the power is limited, he's a horrible rabble-rouser (seriously, is any other candidate as monotonous and non-committal?), and, at this point, may not be the best option for the Republican Party. So he isn't perfect. Nevertheless, he's been one of the most valuable Republicans for half a decade now, is an efficient worker for what he's paid, and is well-educated relative to his peers.








Mike Huckabee: Mike Huckabee, he's big, brash and carries a slightly more lovable version of Haley Barbour's wholly unearned Southern boondock swagger. Sounds like Australia, which has always been something of the Arkansas of the Commonwealth. There's even something similar in the accents, if you think about it (someone needs to investigate this). I mean, Australia was even a part of the Coalition of the Willing, or whatever it was called. Like Huckabee, Australia is somehow massive and important, yet also without a solid category: are we really buying that it is a continent and not just a big island? What holds Australia back, is her vast distance from everything else; what holds Huckabee back is the vast distance between him and the White House when he has a microphone in his hand. You just don't see it happening. In addition, Australia's always been hindered by a distinct lack of people, making it big but also largely empty. Huckabee’s had that problem at the primary level, delivering somewhat empty answers on any non-social political issue. Like your typical Aussie, Huckabee seems like a guy who likes to have fun.

"Can I be New Zealand, mate?"